There’s a crime wave going on in your neighborhood—possibly even in your own home. It’s a crime wave that won’t make it to the nightly news, but not because it isn’t serious, for it scars generations and teaches them to commit the same crime.
Who are the criminals? Absent fathers.
I’m not talking about full-time absent fathers, those never home at all. I hope that’s a rarity. I’m talking about your average dad, the one who commits this crime most mornings, during dinner, and especially during the hour before little ones go to bed.
It’s a crime wave, and I’ve been an offender. You might be one too.
You’re guilty when you skip breakfast with the family to prepare for that early morning meeting, when you’re distant at the dinner table because you’re resolving an issue at work in a long email conversation on your smartphone, and when you forfeit a healthy family night-time ritual because you’ve got something important to do—like write a blog post.
I’ve succumb. Have you?
I Don’t Have Time! Yes You Do.
Time management is a difficult task for the best of us. It can often seem impossible to give our children and wives the time they deserve. Douglas Wilson, writing to wannabe writers in his book Wordsmithy, offers a healthy reality check to the objection of having no time:
“When an extra load develops, try to have it land on you and not on the family. If it has to get done now, then get up at five, and nobody else pays. So if you need to, get up at five, but always try to go home at five. Think of it this way. A 60-hour work week is an honest job and a significant load, but a lot of the problems that come to people who work this much happen because of where those 60 hours are placed. Apportion 40 hours to your regular job, the calling which pays the bills, and then 20 hours for your half-time job of getting a writing career started. It is possible to work those 60 hours and still have lots of time left over for family. A week has a total of 168 hours in it. Sixty hours of work leaves 108, and 8 hours of sleep a night take away another 56 hours, leaving you with 52 hours a week to play tag in the backyard with the kids.”
Maybe you have more time than you think? If not, maybe you need to cut back on some of your commitments?
If you’re aware of this sin in your life, repent. It doesn’t please God. After you repent, believe the gospel. Know that Christ was diligent in all His duties where we fail daily. Know that Christ suffered for every scar you’ve left on the hearts of your children. Forgiveness is available. Rejoice in this grace and parent like a forgiven sinner.
#1 Tip To Regularly Give Time To Your Children
Walking by the grace of God, it will now be a daily battle to break this culture enforced habit. Here’s my #1 tip for you to begin giving time back to your children:
Be Intentional
To succeed you’ll need to be intentional. Commit to giving time to your children. Seriously.
Write it in your schedule. Breakfast time? Theirs. Dinner time? Theirs. The hour before bed? Theirs. And if it is their time, then turn off work and the social media world. How? Put your smartphone in airplane mode so you’ll not get notifications from Twitter or emails from the boss. Ban smartphones and iPads from the dinner table.
Remember, the world won’t collapse during this time. Be present in body and in your mind. Stop thinking about work.
If you’re not intentional about keeping boundaries, you’ll likely fail. I fail. Be ruthless in your boundaries, and desperately ask for God’s help to enforce them.
My Motive
I’m thankful God is a better Father than I’ll ever be. This blog post is what I desperately needed to hear months ago. I’ve written this so I won’t forget. The Lord used a variety of means recently to bring to my attention the severity of my “minor,” but regular, offenses. Please don’t receive this post as a burden to carry. Pray about it. Repent of any failures. Thank your Heavenly Father for Jesus. Then leave work on time tonight rejoicing and ready to give attention to your children who need it.
Thanks Nathan. I really needed to be reminded of that.
Thanks for this, I’m pretty sure in the days, weeks… to come this will come to mind and sharpen my focus with my family.
For the Wilson tip “When an extra load develops, try to have it land on you and not on the family”, that makes me think of when David was being punished for his census: ‘Then David spoke to the LORD when he saw the angel who was striking the people, and said, “Behold, I have sinned, and I have done wickedly. But these sheep, what have they done? Please let your hand be against me and against my father’s house.”‘
(2 Samuel 24:17 ESV)
Thanks, Nathan, for this. It is, in the words of the Pike Place Fish Market, a case of really Being There. It is so easy to be in the same room as your family and still block them out of your life with adult conversation or -worse – electronic media.
There are some helpful comments in here, no doubt, and as a soon to be father, it contains things I am thinking and praying about.
However, I am also a lawyer in a City of London law firm. Its a job I feel I was very much called by the Lord to do.
Sometimes, not always, it involves long hours. It is part of my witness and my calling to work those hard hours.
As my job is, necessarily, a responsive job, i.e. I respond to events, its often impossible to simply, shift that stuff to 5am, if it comes in at 7pm, it needs to be done that night.
Whilst, of course, we have to avoid making an idol of work, it is frankly very, very discouraging for those of us who feel called to full time secular Christian work to constantly be berrated (often by mega church pastors with large staff!) about how we are failing our families if we do not make sure we are home by 5.30 every evening.
If that were a true necessity of Christian living, we would have no christians in any influential positions in society.
I aboslutley agree, that we need to father our children, and we cannot do this if we are absent, but please, can some of these pastors get in the real world for one minute and realise that those of us without large staff and who can’t work flexitime, life is not always that simple!
God bless
Jeremy, you raise some valid points. It’s important to realize, as you’ve noted, that every vocation has different requirements. I’m thankful I won’t be left bleeding to death because the paramedics are having “family time” and won’t respond to the 911 call.
If a person is in a vocation that doesn’t fit the average 9-5 rhythm of western life, then compensation is needed to make family a priority at the times they are available.
There could be a sense in which you’re at an advantage Jeremy. Given the nature of your work you know you could receive a call at any time, hence you make the most of every moment you’re at home.
God bless you for your service, and continue to father your children by God’s grace.
Maybe you could follow this article up with ideas from “time traveling dads”(dads whose work time often coincides with traditional “family time”)on how they purposefully parent and make time for fun with the kiddos for the sake of those dads like Mr. Stephen above. I know as a busy mom who homeschools, conviction without the balm of helpful resources or ideas that fit my limitations is overwhelming and can’t sink in. My husband works for an international company that requires much travel and working with others in different time zones(time-traveling dad). So weekends are guarded fiercely for time with Dad. He does the bulk of the grocery shopping and takes just one along for the special time. When Dad’s home, whatever meal that is, we try to have that as a traditional dining room table meal with all of us present. We have found that if Dad sits in the front room, just chillin’(no electronics) the kiddos will come and seek him out…like missles.
No one wants Mom to read the bed time book if Dad’s home. I hope these comments are helpful. I’m certain there are more out there that other families could share. Blessings on all Daddies!
Thanks brother, Good words.
I wonder how many fathers, today, actually sit down with their children and read to them?
Excellent article, and very convicting. Also noteworthy on the topic of a father finding time for family is in escaping the materialism of the spirit of the age. If you seek simplicity, and avoid things like a massive house, the massive SUV, the annual “disney trip”, etc, conversely you don’t have to spend soul-draining hours of overtime just to keep up with the standards of the spirit of the age. The key’s I’ve learned are not just to seek out simplicity, but to keep the resume sharp, so that if work starts to drain you of hours you aren’t trapped, but have other viable options to pursue.
Great article! So as to avoid another “to do” on Dad’s list, or another guilt trip for those guys who think they’re already failing at the work/home balance, there’s the gospel. If you’ve shanked it, repent to your family and step back up to the plate!
Even just setting aside a few minutes a day with each kid would be a start. But you’re definitely right, we’re stealing from who they will be when they grow up. Actually, who they could be if we were more present as fathers!
Hi Nathan, one thing about my Dad is that he’s always home for supper. That has been everyday of our lives when there are no other occasions. Everyone stops what they are doing and goes to the dining table the moment he sat down.